You are not a real writer until…

Yeah, you can write a million words or read a thousand books in your genre but you’re still not a real writer.

You can read The Art of Fiction, The Art of War, and the hundreds of craft books out there dedicated to the topic of the three act structure, but you’re still not a real writer.

You can write a novel and revise a novel, but you’re still not a real writer.

You can query agents and receive your first rejections, but you’re still not a real writer.

You can even read Stephen King’s, On Writing, but no, you’re still not a real writer.

You can memorize Strunk n White’s style guide, but nope, not yet. You’re not quite there.

You can twitter and blog as if your life depends on it, but you’re not a writer, not yet.

So, you must wonder what in the blogosphere makes you a real writer? I’ll let you know. After hours of researching blogs, I’ve discovered the elemental truth, my dear friends.

I’ve finally found the secret…

It’s branding your candy.

Yup. What is it that you snack on while the butt is in the chair and the keyboard’s clacking? Cheap chocolate? Twizzlers anyone? Kit Kat bars?

I’ve been giving this some serious thought. If you are experiencing writer’s block. If you can barely muster the mental strength to flip the computer on and click on your document. If you haven’t landed an agent yet…maybe it’s because you haven’t connected with the right kind of candy.

And just like the whole “branding” thing, you need to claim your candy and let the world know. Just think about it, people are wandering in the grocery aisle, see your candy, and then have the sudden urge to go to the book store and buy your book.

So do you really eat candy/chocolate all day? Or is that just one big misconception out there. You know, a blogging/twitter thing.


29 Responses to You are not a real writer until…

  1. Laura July 9, 2010 at 12:40 am #

    Maybe a course should be offered at Writeoncon about this. It could make the difference.

  2. kris July 9, 2010 at 10:50 am #

    It seems like Twizzlers are the candy of choice in the blogosphere…but they don’t do it for me. Lately, the guilty pleasure has been Salt Water Taffy Kisses from the Goldenrod in York, ME. As my dh says, they’re like crack.

    But I started my “diet” this week–and am hoping to lose the pounds that I’ve packed on the last few months. So no candy for me.

    It’s cupcakes now. 😉

  3. Jody Hedlund July 9, 2010 at 11:16 am #

    You are hilarious!! Love this. Needed a good laugh this morning. I’m gonna have to think long and hard now about what candy I want for my brand! 🙂

  4. SG Redling July 9, 2010 at 11:31 am #

    I KNEW IT! All those wasted hours and the answer was right there – Peanut M&Ms! What a relief! ;D

  5. katirra July 9, 2010 at 11:32 am #

    Well, I’m doomed. I don’t eat candy. Thanks for the laugh this morning. It’s especially appreciated this morning as I stare a blank screen & blinking cursor.

  6. Jen Bee July 9, 2010 at 11:32 am #

    Thanks for the link on Twitter Jody. Made my day, and it’s already been quite a good one. I knew there was something more than just reading and writing, and it turns out to be something I’m already good at. Excellent. Now to choose just one… Off to check out the other blog posts.

  7. Sandra Heska King July 9, 2010 at 11:39 am #

    M&Ms. Hands down. Roll one around in your mouth. Let the shell dissolve slowly. OR, in a rough moment–a whole handful, the whole bowl.

    Don’t melt in your hand. Don’t melt on your manuscript.

    About 4 calories per M&M. Plain.

  8. Laura July 9, 2010 at 11:54 am #

    I have seen a lot of writers that like peanut mnms. And I love them myself. Esp. the non melting factor right now with this heat wave. And I can see why twizzlers are popular because they aren’t too sweet. I mean you might as well be eating a carrot stick. Kinda.

  9. KatApel July 9, 2010 at 12:00 pm #

    There is just one problem with this theory… If you stick to one form/flavour of sweet, you deaden your pallet. I am SURE I had sugar burn on my tongue yesterday – too too too much chocolate. Truth!

    Talking of chocolate… Cadbury’s Berry Pannacotta is divine! Silky smooth and sumptuously sweet. That is my chocolate of choice – but realising that you CAN have too much of a good thing. 😉

  10. Jen July 9, 2010 at 12:03 pm #

    What a fun list… I’m glad to see that some of these apply to me… Do I have to have all of these? Are these all requirements? LOL

  11. Jennifer Shirk July 9, 2010 at 12:06 pm #

    Ha! I’m a Tootsie Pop eater while I’m writing myself. LOL

  12. Heather Kelly July 9, 2010 at 12:06 pm #

    LOL! I like twizzlers and peanut m&m’s. But I like the small thick red twizzlers. And we tried the different flavored twizzlers the other day, and they were horrible. I’m also partial to frozen Charleston Chews. Oh, and Choco Tacos. But that’s an ice cream.

  13. Laura July 9, 2010 at 12:16 pm #

    Thanks for commenting everyone. If I ate candy while writing I’d have like a zillion cavities. I stay away from the stuff, maybe that is where I’m going wrong…

  14. V.V. Denman July 9, 2010 at 12:16 pm #

    Unfortunately, sugar and I have issues. I must settle for peanut butter crackers. When I go wild I add some sugar free chocolate milk. All this leads me to wonder . . . can sugar free writers get published?

  15. Stina Lindenblatt July 9, 2010 at 12:49 pm #

    Darn it! I’m not a real writer yet. I drink Diet Coke or Diet Dr Pepper (my latest addiction), but I don’t have a candy.

    *runs off to store to do research*

  16. Marcia July 9, 2010 at 1:07 pm #

    You need a candy? Man, how did I miss this? I like most any combo of chocolate and caramel, but if I ate it all day while SITTING at the computer — can you say fat and toothless?

  17. Laura July 9, 2010 at 1:16 pm #

    That’s why I thought about this – how do writers eat candy all day and I wanted to know if they really do. I highly doubt it.

  18. Jill July 9, 2010 at 2:19 pm #

    Is everybody going to boo me if I say I don’t eat candy? Or is it all a matter of pretending to like candy? I don’t like sweets. Give me a packet of plain chips (oil, salt, potatoes) any day, and I’ll be happy. That’s my brand, I guess–the curmudgeonly, salty sailor type. By looking at the comments, I see I’m not the only one.

  19. Betsy Knapp July 9, 2010 at 2:39 pm #

    Reese’s milk chocolate peanut butter cups. I’m writing more. Also seeing my dentist more often.

  20. Heather July 9, 2010 at 3:07 pm #

    Thanks so much for the laugh! Never thought about my candy yet. Got my music down pat.. but candy. Oh if not for the diet…. I would pick sweet tarts. Eat them and write until my tongue hurts from eating them! Thanks again for the laugh!

  21. Creepy Query Girl July 9, 2010 at 3:09 pm #

    I for one, don’t like chocolate that much. I can eat it in small doses but my comfort foods are salty rather than sweet. Like some children are concieved through too much wine, my ms was concieved through sporatic overdoses in popcorn and potatoe chips.

  22. Sherrie Petersen July 9, 2010 at 5:43 pm #

    Candy, huh? Then I’m SOL because I don’t eat much candy. If I do though, I like small stuff that I can repeatedly pop into my mouth. Like m’n’m’s or Sugar Babies or Lemonheads. My favorite snack is popcorn, but it does make the keyboard messy, all that butter 🙂

  23. Amy July 9, 2010 at 8:43 pm #

    Ha, this is hilarious! It’s impossible not to notice the piles of decadent foods people tweet about. 🙂

    For me, I have Trader Joe’s raspberry chocolate bars. I’m allowed three per day. If there are other treats out on the kitchen counter, though, it can be something of a losing struggle….

  24. Karen Strong July 10, 2010 at 4:55 am #

    Ha, love this post!

    Nothing says that you’re a real writer more than eating Lifesavers Sour Gummies.

    Even better? FROZEN Lifesaver Sour Gummies.

    Get a bag! LOL.

  25. Ansha Kotyk July 11, 2010 at 11:04 pm #

    My guilty pleasure is dark chocolate. But it has to be special and I only eat it when I’ve put some decent writing time in. I just recently picked up my absolute favorite chocolate candy while in PA, at the Purity Candy Store (Rt. 15, Laura, if you’re interested). I get the coveted dark chocolate maple creams… cannot wait to start writing again so I can nosh on them!!

  26. Angela Peña Dahle July 13, 2010 at 2:18 pm #

    Mine would be Pull N Peel Twizzlers or a Snickers bar. Tough world out there. Why not have a guilty pleasure–a sidekick–after all writing is so lonely sometimes even if it is so much fun for the imagination and a marathon of torture for the senses–quite the workout! Thanks for the great post. Looking forward to more.

  27. Lydia K July 23, 2010 at 11:26 pm #

    I found your blog from Stina’s post. Nice to meet you!
    I have a guilty, secretly hidden Hershey’s Chocolate bar on the top shelf of my pantry where no one (not even my hubbie) knows it’s there. I guess that means I’m in the gang!

  28. Margo Berendsen July 26, 2010 at 4:10 pm #

    Oh, the key I’ve been missing! The ultimate marketing strategy! The Reeses Pieces will reign!


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